Candle burning low

Y’ever fall off a cliff into a pit of darkness and despair, where even the simplest everyday tasks loom as overwhelming obstacles, and from which the only escape seems the sweet release of death?

If so, welcome to my nightmare.

If not, I’m not gonna say we can’t be friends, but I will say our ability to empathize with each other will be limited.

I haven’t much to add to the conversation about depression, only some observations regarding its effects within the context of our lifestyle. What we eat, the way we eat it, and our level of physical activity has definitely had a positive effect on our mental health. For myself, I can say that I haven’t had a depressive episode since before we started last November*.

And then.

If moving through life had actual forward momentum, what struck me was akin to running into a brick wall while sitting still. And even though I’d felt similar feelings before, the experience was almost entirely foreign because of how long it’s been since I’d felt such things.

It’s entirely possible that this is simply the natural course of things; that I will always experience episodes of blackout depression, regardless of changes to diet or exercise. That would be terrifying and undermining to progress if it wasn’t also the case that such changes seem to shorten the time such episodes might last. Like I feel I’m more or less on an upward slope in mere days instead of weeks or months.

However, I also think there’s room for improvement in the way we eat (and drink). We spend a lot on our weekend treats, which have begun to encroach on the week – starting Friday night and ending Monday, often as not. And as I’ve said before, these really aren’t treats so much as self-harm that we pay for. Plus, the detrimental effects are cyclical: we reach for the treat as a pick-me-up, which makes us feel worse, which increases the desire for treat-type foods.

What are we to do? Well, the cost could be mitigated by making more in-house, which would also diminish negative impacts through ingredient control. The only problem with this strategy is that eating out gives me a break from making. From planning. As much as I enjoy good food, being solely responsible for choosing and preparing everything we eat is kind of exhausting. Even when we eat take-away, it’s like pulling teeth to get the Fella’s input to decide what we’re getting and where we’re getting it from.

So that seems more like the issue to be solved: getting the Fella on board for some teamwork. Wish me luck – I’m gonna need it.

*It’s probably been longer, but I can use this date as a reliable benchmark.

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